Imagine. Destroy. Decide. Believe.

age of the fall

I don't want to understand
I've never in my entire life felt more alone than I do at this very moment...

2 months
So this feeling doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Sometimes if I try really hard.. I don't think of it as much.
But when I do, it seems the weight of the world is placed again on my shoulders.

I still feel so foolish for letting my heart get wrapped into something that was obviously so fake.

She left and she's not coming back. And as hard as that is to say, I need to believe it. Eventually.

I knew I loved her this much, but I was again in denial, because I knew it'd scare her off again... Looks like I didn't even need to tell her, for her to run.

I've started to come to terms with the fact I did nothing to deserve this. I've had enough people,. who understood the situation, tell me the same. Especially during my lowest points. And it helps. It's calming and makes me not want to hate myself as much as I have lately.

Yet this voice in my head is screaming "Why weren't you perfect enough for her?" I guess because I'm just not perfect. And the sooner I become okay with that, I guess I'll feel better.

She's been gone 2 months, and she hasn't looked back. Ashley was right.. I won't hate her. It's just not inside me.

Why did I get mixed up with a jealous, immature 18 year old? I really should have known better. I think that's why I keep kicking myself. I -SHOULD- have fucking known... But no, somewhere in my head I was convinced that she was the most gorgeous girl in the entire world, and I say that with 100% honesty. But it'd never be enough for her. She thought I wanted other girls, when I truly didn't.

I've got some really good friends, and I'm grateful each and every day. No matter how whiny I may get some nights. They listen and talk me through it. I know somewhere inside I'll get over this. It's just a matter of when...

And as Gregory House always told me... "Everybody lies." Well I guess I should have seen this lie coming.

.... I need to stop letting my inner child make decisions for me.

i'm not fine..

I've cried three times now.. I never thought I'd shed tears like this again. I feel so stupid, I know I'm better than this. I should have been smarter. I shouldn't have given my heart away. It always happens like this. Why was I so fucking foolish to think it would have ended any other way. Just like a "friend" told me the other night, what the fuck did I have to offer her anyway? Nothing. Because obviously the things I did offer her weren't good enough. I fucking hate people.

I'm getting fucking wasted on vodka tonight and forgetting about the world. Nobody's ever getting this heart again.

Things are so much different now, but nothing lasts forever.

where are you? and i'm so sorry..

Yep.. this just broke me. I can't believe she made me cry... This shouldn't hurt this much.

yep. this one hurts.
So breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just too much to ask tonight...

It's been a long time since I've felt like I do right now. Betrayed? Lost? Looking forward to mending this once-again shattered heart. Everyone's told me to not put my eggs into one basket, and yet I did it again, because I never learn.

I want to throw up.

Was I stupid for trusting her? Was I that fucking naive that I threw my heart away, and for some fucking reason had enough faith that it wouldn't return to me in a box shattered?

I know I'll get over it. It's just getting there that's the hard part. And tonight isn't looking that great.
1,890 hours. Was it all for nothing? Who knows. I wish I did.

I wish I didn't have to wait another 3 weeks to see my counselor.

Haha this might actually make me cry.. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I suddenly got very cold..

I feel like I got played like a violin.. I want this to stop hurting already.

I almost think there's nothing left of me to give anymore. I just can't do it anymore.

Happy Birthday darling, we love you very, very, very, very, very much.. </3 It meant more to me than it ever did to you. I'm better than this.

i'd be there every time..
If it's gotta end then let it end in flames.

I feel.. lost. I feel empty. I feel like this piece inside of me will never be truly filled. I've spent the last few years searching, and maybe that makes me wrong for searching, but it's all I've known how to do. Yet here I am, coming up on four years.. And the only thing that's come close.. is so far away that it finally stepped out of reach. Now I'm back to these lonely nights. It makes me wonder about all the mistakes, and if I should forgive myself for being a stupid 19 year old. Or if I should forgive her for being a stupid 19 year old.

Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of these mistakes. All the time wasted in my life, just wanting this one thing. Is it wrong for one thing to mean everything? My brain is telling me yes. I'm reminded of "One Thing" by Finger Eleven, and I can start to see the comparisons with how I'm feeling tonight.

There's even things I should be excited about... 90% in Gr. 11 math? New Angels & Airwaves album next week? WrestleMania party coming up?

Yet nothing can bring a smile to my face these past few nights. Maybe this music will make me feel better.. or worse. I'm going with the latter.

So I guess I'll take a walk down memory lane to a very important night in my life.. 7 years ago this week. After yet another incredible mistake I had made.. One night full of nothing but emotion and this beautiful music I had found. It was the only thing that mattered to me, and it amazed me at how harmonious it was, and how the emotion bled through the speakers and spoke right to my heart. It described everything I had ever felt with my broken heart.

I can.. almost regain that feeling from that night. The tears have returned to my eyes. It feels.. real again. I just wish I wasn't in front of a computer remembering. I wish someone understood.

Is this the place that I have come to fear the most? Or is it somewhere I feel safe, simply because it reminds me of feelings. I'm sick of new things. I want to feel comfortable, and not so paranoid and scared anymore. And if I feel comfortable in the past, then so be it. A time where a lot of you didn't exist in my life, and that's not a bad thing.

"You believe they're all liars, you hurt the one who tells the truth.
You believe they tell the truth, and they lie through their teeth."
- Me, in an MSN chat 10 minutes ago

I spent a year living in her letters, this envelope it smells like you and I can't be without that scent.

Why do all these words come back so clear yet hauntingly? Why does it feel so fresh when I'm trying to grasp at old feelings, just so this new, fresh, pain will go away?

It just describes this broken heart so perfectly, so painfully.. In the plainest of words. It's so simple, and it explains everything I want to do, yet it's been so long since I've let those guitar chords pierce through me like they are tonight. The hallway of our first kiss reminds me that the memories will fade...

I just pray.. I'm wrong this time.

nobody leads at all..

and I don't love you anymore..
Sometimes a song just rips right through you and it feels like everything inside just falls out through the music.

Sometimes you sit alone at night and beat yourself up with the simple question of "What If?"

Sometimes you see the sun shining and you can't help but smile because of the light it brings.

Sometimes it all feels so fake, like you're simply playing a role in a movie you've seen a million times before. You know the ending, and so does everyone else.

Sometimes you do all the things you've done, only hoping to attach new memories to old places. Somehow..

Sometimes knowing that if you could just cry, then it'll feel better.

Sometimes you allow yourself to get so lost in dreams, because you feel there's infinitely more possible than in your reality.

Sometimes you can even remember when there was a reason for the pain. Something to attach yourself to.

And sometimes.. is everyday.

"Stay away from me and go straight to hell. And after a day like this, my whole world's gone all wrong." - Shannon Lawson

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Nobody seems to care..

This is simply going to be random thoughts and emotions that come to me as I type them, it may feel very disjointed, but such is life at times.
So I've been listening to a lot of The Summer Set and Motion City Soundtrack (thanks Iain on the last one!)
I had to put down my poor old dog Eddie two weeks ago, which wasn't easy, but sometimes things need to be done, and I know it's for the best, it's just I had a hard time justifying it I guess.
My mother returned home after her 3rd stint in rehab in just over a year and a half. I kinda hope it sticks this time, but time will tell.
I owe my psychiatrist a little too much money, god bless credit cards.
NWA-Anarchy is probably my favourite wrestling promotion for the time being.
I haven't been seeing too many of my friends regularly, and it feels strange, but I think it's okay.
I'm four credits away from graduating and then moving onto college.
I'm still emotionally alone, but I try not to think about it.
I bought four books in the last 2 months I should probably read.
My arms are still bruised from taking bumps last weekend. Yay pro wrestling!
No concerts in the last few weeks unfortunately.
New Ataris album got pushed back to Summer 2010. Fuck.
New Dashboard Confessional CD is pretty awesome, but I need to give it a few more listens.

That's all for now, I think.
Oh, and I'm doing radio shows now bi-weekly for Burning Hammer Radio and Segunda Caida Radio. Google them. It's worth it for wrestling dork talk.
Take care.

We're we ever really together or just afraid of being apart?

I wonder if the spell we're under will ever be broken??

Dry heaves = death
So I am currently suffering through only my first hangover since I started drinking sporadically three years ago (not counting a stupid hangover when I was 16) and it's like this creamy glaze of death over my body right now. However, I feel better now than I did four hours ago when I stumbled in the front door and promptly threw up in the sink. I am now just finally eating something solid and drinking this mango juice which doesn't taste half as bad as the tequila last night.

All in all, last night was a lot of fun as it was Andy's '50th' birthday party, and I really enjoyed myself, met Paul's new girlfriend, got chopped by Mysterion, wore a sombrero for 4 hours, realized how much I suck at lawn darts, and kept folding at extremely inebriated 2 AM poker. And everyone was really cheery and friendly and Cassie kept making margaritas and I RULE at poor man's horseshoe.

Spent a few days with Daniela and we got through seven episodes of House and spent some time with Viki too, which included tossing salad.. Don't ask.

So the new Owl City album came out last week and it's fucking incredible. Happiest music EVER.

I'm hungry .. or do I wanna throw up again? Blah.

I went to a death metal concert last week but I'll update later about that when I don't feel like my computer monitor is spinning. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I want to hate you so bad..but I can't
I suppose 37 weeks is a long time....

I should probably find something to eat today, considering it's 5:03 PM. I'll get around to it. I went yet another New Year's Eve without someone to kiss. No surprise there. I had Tyson from the All-American Rejects refer to me as Jesus during their concert last November. Then before going into "Mona Lisa" he dedicated the song to anyone who was in love. Heh. I got to see Austin Aries vs. Jimmy Jacobs in a blood-soaked Dog Collar Match live however also. Wrestling makes me really happy.

"Maybe I'll greet sunlight after all... I'm sorry."

I haven't done much writing this year. Maybe I'm just keeping my emotions to myself a lot more, I'm unsure. Or maybe the same problems keep re-appearing and I'm still just as powerless to change them as I was a year ago this week when I basically watched her die in front of me. Only to watch her not learn any of the lessons in the past year. To where I'm now an embarrassment of a son it seems. I don't think much of myself, but I'd like to believe I'm worth more than that.

"Well you failed me too..."

It truly is amazing how much of my family I'm going to leave behind once I leave the front door for good. Maybe that's why I keep my mouth shut so much. I think that action will speak loud enough on its own. It's just a long road to get all the pieces in place for that moment to arrive. And hopefully I don't end up dead before that day arrives. We'll see.

I've got some pretty incredible friends though. I'm extremely thankful for those of you I do have in my life, who do understand me (sometimes even better than I do) Sometimes getting lost on some abandoned road going nowhere with a good friend is all I ask for in life.  

As far as wrestling goes, I've spent a LOT of time synching up various wrestling events with Dave from Chicago, and I'm pretty glad we became friends again after all the bullshit four years ago. We're almost co-dependent one another to fully enjoy a wrestling event now. It's funny. Speaking of which, we still haven't watched last weekend's ROH on HDNet...

What else is new... Ah yes, well I suppose there's a girl. A girl who does the simplest things and I find them to be the greatest things ever. It's always the smallest things people do for me that I feel bad about.. But she does them without question and I suppose it makes me feel a sense of worth, that I don't need to feel bad about asking for something. We just I suppose. I just wish we'd have the attention span to watch a movie together. Eh, there's always next time.

Also since I last updated I'm now within 45 matches of finishing this 80's Memphis project, problem is..I've got 4 days to finish it! I'm such a bad slacker for the past month. But I'm gonna haul-ass and Mainline Memphis here I come! Also in the aspect of wrestling, I feel the chemistry between me  and Andrew Davis is getting much better, but still not on par with how well I work with Sebastian Suave. Speaking of which I manage Sebastian against Angel DeGuerra this Friday night. Should be fun, and maybe I won't get my ass handed to me for the first time since..uh.. February? No, Honky beat me up then... Um, January? I think that's a safe bet. God, I need to stop getting my ass kicked on the apron.

I've also dove head-first into converting my VHS wrestling tapes to DVD-R's. I'm slowly getting into it. I've already done over like 110 discs. But I've still got a long ways to go, and I indexed my data DVD-R's of wrestling to realize I've got... 715 discs... x 4.3 GB each = 3,074.5 GB of wrestling.... Oh dear.

Musically, I can't get enough ot Scar Symmetry at the moment. Fucking incredible melodic death metal band, who unfortunately had their singer quit last summer, and I'm such a fan of his voice, it saddens me. Also check out some fucking Owl City. Happiest music I think I've EVER heard in my life, it just takes me to this different atmosphere.

Let's see what I've got coming up.....

June 30th: Behemoth concert
July 15th: Summer Slaughter tour concert
July 24th: Ring of Honor live wrestling
July 25th: Ring of Honor live wrestling
August 6th: I TURN 24.  .... oh god.
Mid-August: Taking Back Sunday concert

Should be a fun fucking summer, and I hope to see lots of Daniela.

Oh also since I last wrote in this journal.... I cut off seven inches of my hair in November (actually I lost the hair to Brutus the Barber Beefcake) but thankfully I'm getting some length back. DEATH METAL!

As much as I think Dave (GCW) is a sleazebag... I'm gonna miss the amount of fun I had last summer driving up and down the highways and learning so much about that little town called Strathroy. Such a fun summer last year. I hope this year is just as good, but I'm gonna need some new experiences. Any suggestions???
That's all for now.


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