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age of the fall

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i'd be there every time..
If it's gotta end then let it end in flames.

I feel.. lost. I feel empty. I feel like this piece inside of me will never be truly filled. I've spent the last few years searching, and maybe that makes me wrong for searching, but it's all I've known how to do. Yet here I am, coming up on four years.. And the only thing that's come close.. is so far away that it finally stepped out of reach. Now I'm back to these lonely nights. It makes me wonder about all the mistakes, and if I should forgive myself for being a stupid 19 year old. Or if I should forgive her for being a stupid 19 year old.

Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of these mistakes. All the time wasted in my life, just wanting this one thing. Is it wrong for one thing to mean everything? My brain is telling me yes. I'm reminded of "One Thing" by Finger Eleven, and I can start to see the comparisons with how I'm feeling tonight.

There's even things I should be excited about... 90% in Gr. 11 math? New Angels & Airwaves album next week? WrestleMania party coming up?

Yet nothing can bring a smile to my face these past few nights. Maybe this music will make me feel better.. or worse. I'm going with the latter.

So I guess I'll take a walk down memory lane to a very important night in my life.. 7 years ago this week. After yet another incredible mistake I had made.. One night full of nothing but emotion and this beautiful music I had found. It was the only thing that mattered to me, and it amazed me at how harmonious it was, and how the emotion bled through the speakers and spoke right to my heart. It described everything I had ever felt with my broken heart.

I can.. almost regain that feeling from that night. The tears have returned to my eyes. It feels.. real again. I just wish I wasn't in front of a computer remembering. I wish someone understood.

Is this the place that I have come to fear the most? Or is it somewhere I feel safe, simply because it reminds me of feelings. I'm sick of new things. I want to feel comfortable, and not so paranoid and scared anymore. And if I feel comfortable in the past, then so be it. A time where a lot of you didn't exist in my life, and that's not a bad thing.

"You believe they're all liars, you hurt the one who tells the truth.
You believe they tell the truth, and they lie through their teeth."
- Me, in an MSN chat 10 minutes ago

I spent a year living in her letters, this envelope it smells like you and I can't be without that scent.

Why do all these words come back so clear yet hauntingly? Why does it feel so fresh when I'm trying to grasp at old feelings, just so this new, fresh, pain will go away?

It just describes this broken heart so perfectly, so painfully.. In the plainest of words. It's so simple, and it explains everything I want to do, yet it's been so long since I've let those guitar chords pierce through me like they are tonight. The hallway of our first kiss reminds me that the memories will fade...

I just pray.. I'm wrong this time.

nobody leads at all..

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It's interesting to see how much hidden potential that you can find within ones heartbreak.

Feel free to elaborate as I'm not quite understanding what you mean..

You are a beautiful writer and have so much raw talent. Consider looking into that further.

Well thank you for the compliment, though I never expected my pain to show off a hidden talent, I suppose.

It's not just this entry, though. Your other entries show that you clearly have a great grasp on the english word.

I suppose it's one of my stronger suits, yes. I don't exactly know how to channel it other than through my emotions, which as you can tell my reading my entries, isn't exactly in a stable frame most of the time.

But if you were in a stable frame of mind, you wouldn't be so interesting.

Haha, unfortunately I think you're right.

That has been known to happen.

Though I must ask, what makes my unstable side more interesting? I personally believe I think far too much.

Those that are in a sound frame of mind do not seem to have the same level of creative output as those who are unstable. While creativity can often be hindered by negative life events... in your case, it seems to improve your writing. You write well and that alone is interesting. Once the added emotion is there, your writing is even better.

Those who are unstable tend to get many more creative ideas than stable people. It's just one of those things that I've always found.

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